CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Sunday, 2 January 1944

This morning I read through some of the old pages in my diary. I was very ashamed when I saw what I had written about Mother. Why did I feel so angry then? Why did I hate her so much? It was true that she didn’t understand me. But I didn’t understand her either. I’m older and wiser now, and Mother is not so nervous. We try not to quarrel with each other. But I can’t love her like a child any more.

Thursday, 6 January 1944

I realized what’s wrong with Mother. She says that she sees us more as her friends, not her daughters. That’s nice, but a friend is not the same as a mother.

I think the changes in my body are wonderful. Whenever I have my period (three times now), it’s like a sweet secret inside me. There is pain, and mess, but I look forward to it again.

I need a friend, and I’m going to try Peter. I want badly to talk to someone. I had a chance to talk to him yesterday; I looked into his dark blue eyes and it gave me a wonderful feeling.

That night in bed I cried and cried. Must I ask Peter to be my friend? I don’t love him, but I do need him. If the van Daans had a daughter, it would be just the same with her. So I’ve decided to visit Peter more often, and to make him talk to me.

Wednesday, 12 January 1944

I’m crazy about dance at the moment! I practise my steps every evening, and I’ve made myself a modern dance dress from Mother’s clothes. I tried to turn my tennis shoes into dance shoes, but it didn’t work. All the exercise is helping – I’m not nearly so stiff now!