CHAPTER TWENTY NINE

Saturday, 15 July 1944

I know that I won Peter as a friend, not the other way round. I was the one who tried to make it work. And I made a picture of him in my mind as a quiet, sweet boy who badly needed a loving friend. I needed someone to talk to, to say what was in my heart. I wanted a friend too, who would help me to find my way again. I succeeded; slowly but surely, he came towards me. Finally, we became friends, but we became very close too. I find it hard to believe now that we grew so close! We talked about very private things, but never about what was deep in my heart. And I still can’t understand Peter. Is he really shy, or is there nothing deep in him at all?

But I made one big mistake. I wanted him to be close to me, and now we can’t be friends any other way. And he’s holding on to me too tightly. I can’t see how to change this now.

Friday, 21 July 1944

Now, at last, things are going well! Great news! Somebody tried to kill Hitler, and it was actually a German army official who tried to do it! This shows us that many of the German soldiers have had enough of the war too, and would like to end it.

Tuesday, 1 August 1944

I’m two people, really, as I’ve often told you. One side of me is cheerful and amusing, and enjoys a kiss or a rude joke. This is the Anne that people know, and they will be amused by me for an afternoon, but after that they’ve had enough of me for a month! No one knows the other side, the better side of Anne. It’s deeper and finer. But the first Anne always shows herself, and won’t let the second Anne out. I try, but it doesn’t work. It’s because I’m afraid – afraid that people will laugh at me. Of course people laugh at me now – I’m used to it – but they laugh at the amusing ‘lighthearted’ Anne. She doesn’t care, but the ‘deeper’ Anne is too weak for that. If I make the good Anne come out even for fifteen minutes, she won’t speak, and allows Anne number one to talk. Then, before I realize it, she’s disappeared again.

So the nice Anne never comes out in front of other people, but she’s almost always there when I’m alone. I would like to change, and I’m trying hard, but it’s difficult. If I’m quiet and serious, my family thinks I’m ill! But I keep trying to become what I would like to be, and what I could be if… if only there were no other people in the world.

ANNE’S DIARY ENDS HERE